Lagos?

Lagos na wa!

A friend, Gideon Akande, occasionally makes witty jokes about someone visiting Lagos for the first time and the way they are been advised by parents and friends who themselves might have never visited.

You’d hear scary, thought-provoking facts, rumours, myths, exaggerations, good, bad and evil and all sorts of turns of phrase about the big city while your ears are been pulled aggressively by your mom or dad pleading with you to be very very very careful or “shine your eyes” or “don’t bring shame to the family” or “know where you are coming from” or “don’t chase wo(men)” – at midnight just 4 hours before leaving. They just find ways to paint Lagos in ways that’ll upset or delight you.

I’ve travelled to different parts of Nigeria including every state in the South-Southern/Eastern region and with every visit to these places – I get asked: “what’s it like in Lagos?” I hope to answer this question in the article.

This isn’t a guide on how to find your way around Lagos, it’s more like an honest answer to what I think you should know before visiting.

1.This city never sleeps. At 3 AM, you’d find people selling by the roadside and you could still find a bus to take to your workplace at this time.

2.Lagos and Traffic are like bread and butter, spiders and webs, sugar and tea, one cannot exist without the other. If you’re the impatient kind, you’ll hate it here. If you’re going to try, at least be ready with your insults or curses to throwback at anybody because the traffic is a war zone and the curses are bullets.

3.Lagos is the land of opportunities, you could be walking on the road and find N1Million on the floor. You’d believe that? Don’t, I’m kidding. Anywhere in Nigeria is the land of opportunities if you know what you’re doing and if you can think through a problem and sell a solution but Lagos has more companies who are employing compared to other states combined.

4.No one gives a fuck about who you are. If you fuck up, person go change am for you. Except you’re a politician.

5.Lagos is divided into two parts: Mainland and Island. People believe the Island is for rich people and the mainland is for the middle class and poor people. But in reality, some super-rich people leave in Ajegunle and there’re homeless people on the Island.

6.Mainland or Island, Lagos is Lagos. Abeg shine your eyes.

7.If you see someone talking to himself or herself inside a bus, please mind your business.

8.The capital of Lagos is NOT Ikeja, It’s YabaLeft.

9.Don't drive on the BRT Lane. Ever.

10.Thursdays and Sundays are the best to commute around this city.

11.For some reason, everyone is always in a hurry. To where? I don’t really know.

12.Banks and ATMs are usually overcrowded, especially on the mainland.

13.If you are crossing the road, please check you right, left, up, down, middle, centre because you don’t know who is drunk or crazy or who is in the mood the kill someone or who woke up from the wrong side of the bed.

14.The waste management is okay and there’s electricity for at least 6 hours daily depending on your area.

15.While house hunting, the agent and agreement fee is as high as the price of a duplex in Ekiti State. I think I over-exaggerated but it’s really high.

16.Houses are way too expensive even in the most ghetto place you can find. Landlords/Landladies no send you.

17.Yaba is home to its biggest tech ecosystem.

18.you pay N300 every-time you pass a toll gate.

19.SARS(police) are problematic here too.

20.The island doesn’t have good running water, it’s coloured yellow. They buy water in tanks.

21.Ladipo is home to its biggest auto ecosystem.

22.Don’t fear anybody in the Lagos, some na packaging. Also, respect yourself and you shall know peace. But If anybody ginger you, ginger your own back.

23.Banks close by 4 PM

24.You can smoke weed freely on the streets of the island but you can’t smoke weed freely on the mainland.

25.you can still get a plate of just rice for N100

25.The creative energy in Lagos is inspiring.

27.Don’t board Aboki bike men, some don’t value their lives.

28.All major music concerts are held on the island.

29.There are about 20 million people living here.

30.Asides from situations where you live in Iyana-Ipaja but under the influence of jazz by juju men/women you find yourself in Surulere lost and stranded after regaining consciousness, you can’t get lost in Lagos. There are danfo buses to take you to wherever you’re going to at any bus-stop at any location at any given time.